Saturday, 2 November 2019

Mirror Image

Ever since I can remember, whenever I’ve stood in front of a mirror, it’s not to admire beauty or pick myself up - it’s to analyse, it’s to pick out my flaws, it’s to wish for a small waist, bigger boobs and a nicer face. 

I know I can be my own worst enemy but the intrusive thoughts don’t stop. They don’t take a breather or a day off, they are there continuously nagging away. I’ve mentioned this briefly in one of my posts before about my girl friends saying I’m so confident and I don’t give a shit... which is true on one hand but on the other, it’s the polar opposite. I have such low self esteem to the point I have notes in my phone of all of my flaws, what procedures I can have to improve those, prices and how long it will take me to save for those procedures. I look at other girls my age, whether they’ve had work done or not, and they are just so bloody beautiful. Perfect faces, great figures, they’ve got the whole big boobs/small waist/big booty thing I can only dream of. When I see these girls and women, it makes me realise how young I look next to them and not in a good way. I feel I look immature almost. I don’t have a symmetrical face, I have wonky lips, hooded eyes, small tits, a belly that won’t budge and fat thighs amongst a million and one other problems. I must sound so conceited right now and I know there’s more to a person than looks but for me, it’s an overriding thought that doesn’t leave.

It’s got to the point, where in the past few months in particular, it is something I think about every single day without fail. If I see myself in a mirror with no clothes on, I genuinely feel repulsed and can never understand why anyone would even want to look, let alone touch. I have the odd few days where I feel a bit more confident than others - my makeup would have been half decent for once or my hair not a complete mess, I might not have eaten for the past couple days so I’ll look slimmer and I’ll post a selfie on Instagram. It’s hilarious really because for one selfie posted online, I genuinely take anywhere between 100-350 selfies to then scrutinise and pick the “right one”. If you were to follow me on Instagram, you would notice half my pictures disappear after days, weeks or even a few months because I’ll notice how big my nose looks, how weird my lips look or just look at myself and see nothing but ugly. I cannot stand other people taking pictures of me - I dread when people ask for group photos and selfies as I know I’ll always be the ugly one and stick out like a sore thumb. I love to have pictures with my boyfriend as for me, visual memories are everything and they make me so happy however half the time I don’t want to capture anything because of the way I look and the other times I do, I make the poor boy stand there and take a million and one photos and constantly ask for more until I think I look more acceptable.

I know this whole image thing is on me and it’s down to me to improve and fix but growing up I’ve always had people give their unwarranted comments on my appearance. From the first guy I ever dated, when I put my legs across him and he grabbed my thighs and told me I’m fat and to get off him, to the woman who I served on Benefit Cosmetics when I was 19 years old that she’d “fix my face” with filler and botox, to the men that have always told me to eat more and put some meat on the bone, to the people who have pointed out my spots and breakouts when I’m fully aware they are there, the guys that have told me I’m flat chested growing up, to the people who made comments about my appearance tearing me down on a Gossip Girl-esque site during secondary school, to every fucking person who has said something hurtful to make themselves feel better. I had cosmetic surgery when I was 8 years old for crying out loud. Eight. Years. Old. I had no choice but to have cosmetic surgery to have my ears pinned back as the bullying was so bad. The comments wouldn’t stop, the snide remarks, the teasing. I would go home in floods of tears, bruises all over me where my classmates would find it hilarious to pull my chair out from underneath me so I fell and bruised all my spine. To every single “friend” in the playground who ran off and left me because I was the freak no one wanted to play with. 

I’ve never fit in anywhere, I never have and I’ve come to learn that I probably never will. I find solace in kind souls I meet along the way through this journey in life. The very few who “get me” and can at least listen and try and understand where my thought process is half the time. I’ve always been a bit of a loner. A home-body. I hate big groups of people, it makes me feel vulnerable. I often get shy when I’m around people I’m not familiar with ie my partner’s friends, friends of friends.. you get the picture. I feel much safer and comfortable with a few good friends and a good meal. My ultimate safe space has to be in my bedroom, in bed, watching my favourite YouTubers and binge watching Netflix. It makes me feel secure, comfortable and that I have like-minded people who are either very similar or the complete opposite creating a total escape. Rach Leary, one of my favourite bloggers ever recently did an anonymous Q&A type style YouTube video. I actually submitted a comment about fillers and appearance and she answered it as the last question in her video. I felt like I was sat with one of my girlfriends getting a proper good girl to girl chat and advice session and it really helped me view things in a different way. She is such a kind soul, absolutely beautiful and downright bonkers but I would highly recommend subscribing and binge watching her YouTube videos for some good old girl power vibes. (Video mentioned: https://youtu.be/izmkqWF4SII)

I hope one day these thoughts ease up and I can give myself a break. That I can look in the mirror and feel more confident. Feel beautiful and attractive. That I can take a picture without needing another 200 to follow to find the right one. That I can admire everyone’s beauty without in turn, then picking at my own. I know it will take a long time and there’s lots of work to be done to help that, but for now I will continue to sit in my bedroom bubble with my favourite bloggers and binge worthy series, ranting away in a blog post to let it all out every once in a while.

Until next time...

Elle x

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