Wednesday, 9 October 2019

The First Step

Guys, I’ve cracked the code to me actually writing a blog post - I have to be tired as hell, up way too late and going through it. So, here we are. 

Can you believe we are almost half way through October? OCTOBER?! Where the hell has this year gone? On the 1st January I made myself a promise that this would be my year. My time to shine. The year everything all falls into place. Well, so far? Things have definitely fallen... not so much into place but more of a stepping-on-Lego kinda mess on the floor. Are we even surprised at this point? *eye rolls into another dimension*

My life is honestly wild with the shit that goes down. Believe it or not, I am one of the most laidback, chilled and go with it people there are and I hate drama with a passion but my god, does it follow me everywhere I go. Life has been a crazy rollercoaster this year with little ups and a few too many downs. We still have two and a half months to go so can we all just do a quick #PrayForElle (wish I was joking).

The main down for me has been my mental health. I’ve mentioned my mental health a few times in previous posts but never gone into too much detail as 1) that’s scary af to be open and honest about and 2) it changes so much and has such extremes you never know how people are going to take it. Not that I should give a crap but that’s for another post... 

In short, my mental health state was at rock bottom, I pulled myself out and was at a steady state and now I feel like I’m heading down South again - and not in the sexual drunken way you do with your man on a Saturday night after one too many wines. Life, mixed with the good old seasonal depression coming back around that we know and love so well, I know is going to be a further struggle over the next few months for me. 

The biggest part of my life I’m so upset about is my fitness and physical health. When I was getting better, I started training 5/6/7 days a week sometimes twice a day and I was genuinely having so much fun. I was focused, strong, determined and bloody powerful in more than one meaning of the word. I looked good but most importantly, I felt good. It did my mind the world of good. However, at the beginning of the year I had a small Cancer scare whereby the Doctors thought I could have Skin Cancer. Thankfully, I did not but I did have to have 2 operations which meant a good few weeks of recovery and no gym. It really knocked my confidence and self esteem. I felt how I did on my first day in the gym when I started to go back after the ops - small, intimidated, scared, anxious, sick. It was horrible. It spiralled from there on out and as hard as I tried to push myself it wasn’t working. I tried going back to my old gym, home workouts, street running but nothing did the trick. My anxiety grew and I lost so much confidence I stopped going to the gym altogether and even cancelled my membership. I feel disgusting compared to how I looked and felt just less than a year ago. It makes me laugh because people make throwaway comments about my weight and how I look and I truly cannot understand how they can view the way I look in a positive light when I view myself the way I do. I have completely let myself go both physically and mentally. That being said, on Friday morning I decided enough is enough and signed back up to the gym. Typical Elle style - I’m now unwell (cough/cold) so can’t even go back if I wanted to as I need to recover fully first however I know I’ve made the first step. My work friend, who is LITERALLY a real life angel (I’m not even kidding), told me today how proud she is of me for signing back up to the gym. She had remembered a conversation we had almost 2 months ago about my anxiety and how it’s affected that part of my life and it honestly made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that someone cared and listened. It may only be baby steps so far but the first step has been taken and for now, that’s good enough for me. 

I’ve decided I want to start writing a lot more about myself and mental health - particularly my journey on getting back to the happy, fun and confident young woman I used to be but as well, the strong, passionate, powerful gym bunny I once was too. I not only want to work on my physical health but my mental health too - they go hand in hand. This is a bit of a messy, all over the place post but I mean... it’s gone 1am and I’m up for work at 6.30am so cut ya girl some slack. Although I am definitely crapping myself at the prospect of stepping foot into the gym again, I know it has to be done and I will get there. I will be blogging my journey along the way - speaking deeper into mental health, my own experiences c things I’ve learnt along the road to ‘recovery’, if you will. I have no idea who even reads my posts - it could be next to no one, it could be hundreds but if talking about my experiences and opening up and trying to be as a raw and honest as possible helps another person, I’m happy.

Until next time...

Elle x

1 comment:

  1. Love this, I think many of us can fall off the wagon so to speak, and it's hard to talk about deteriorating mental/physical health without feeling like you're being judged, for instance if you feel unhappy physically, theres this idea that you're lazy and you should just go to the gym, when it's never that black and white. Thank you for sharing, being able to talk so openly about this is already such a positive step, I can't wait to follow the rest of your journey!