Thursday, 13 June 2019

Dysfunctional

If I had a pound for every time someone questioned me on the fact that I’m not close with my family with a puzzled, judge-y look on their face, I wouldn’t need to drag my ass out of bed at 5am every day and trek into Central London. *eye rolls*

From my earliest of memories, I’ve never been close to my parents. Don’t get me wrong - I’ve always had a roof over my head but for as long as I can remember I’ve never felt accepted or even loved by them. I used to have a friend, emphasis on the ‘used to’, who made such a huge deal about me not being ‘best friends’ with my Mum. The fact she couldn’t believe we’re not close followed by a showreel of why her and her family are so fucking fabulous. Zzzzz. It’s always funny to me when I tip toe around the subject, that’s if I even want to attempt to being open with someone, I get hit with a million and one questions like I’m making it all up, it’s all in my head and “surely it’s not that bad”. It honestly blows my mind that some people can’t accept that no matter how generous, kind, caring and lovable your own families are - not everyone is/has the same. 

I always have to do that weird big gulp thing us girls do when you try not to cry because quite frankly, it’s pretty fucking embarrassing trying to explain to someone your family situation and it all comes down to you not being loved and accepted. It makes me question every day what’s wrong with me? If my family can’t truly love me then how will anyone else? It almost sets a motion for how you will be treated for the rest of your life. It’s the only ‘love’ I’m used to and therefore the only ‘love’ I’ve ever seemed to found, or allowed, amongst so called friends, guys I’ve dated and people in my life in general. I swear my boyfriend now is like a fucking angel. Even before our first date I was questioning things because I couldn’t believe someone was really that nice and caring towards me. It sounds mad really as it’s basic human decency to an extent but having someone you care crazy amounts about who is also like an escape from your reality and who feels more like home than your actual ‘home’? The best. Plus his family is fucking amazing too so every little helps and all that ay (starting to sound like a fucked up Tesco ad... I digress).

So, anyway... what I’m trying to get across is that although it might not be your normal to live in a house where you hardly speak to your parents, no one knows anything you’ve experienced or gone through and you don’t feel accepted or loved, able to be who you truly are... it doesn’t mean that’s not normal for others. Following? Essentially, your ‘normal’ isn’t everyone else’s. Someone coming from a dysfunctional family (aka me) does not mean I’m not family orientated. It does not mean I don’t love hanging out with other people’s families. It does not mean I don’t want close relationships with my partner’s family. It does not mean I don’t want to associate with my friend’s parents and siblings. It does not mean I don’t want a family of my own one day. What it does mean though is that there are days when I need to be loved a little harder as there’s not even a hello given at home. It means I want to not be judged and have people feel sorry for me. What’s there to be sorry for? I have a heart of gold, I would do anything for anyone and I’m pretty fucking hilarious sooo.. their loss, right? (I’d love to say I’m joking about the hilarious part but if you know me, you know I’m seriously not playing...)

I hate my family situation more than anything. It drains me beyond belief. It truly makes me feel broken. I got to the front door last night, standing in the pissing rain unable to find my keys so I rang the doorbell and instead of being greeted with a ‘hello’ I got yelled at and given a sarcastic ‘not got any keys no?’. It’s. Draining. I went to my room, had a good cry then binge watched Good Girls (amazing series FYI). Despite all of this though and the toxic, abusive relationship I endured in my past - my life sounds like an absolute delight hey - it’s made me a pretty strong human being. I’m so fiercely independent that there is not one soul on Earth I reply upon - so if you’re in my life it’s because I genuinely want you there not because I need you. I’ve been through some crazy traumatic experiences that quite frankly, no one should have to go through, and I had to go through it alone. I know full well, if I can conquer that and still be here, I can get through anything in life. So, although I may not have the picture perfect family life, it doesn’t mean I’m not capable of love and want one of my own.

Until next time...

Elle x