Saturday, 16 June 2018

Heartbreak and Happiness

When your heart gets broken you feel like you’re the only person on the planet to have ever been hurt and no matter how many times you get told “there’s plenty more fish in the sea” or “he(/she) was punching anyway” it doesn’t make you feel the slightest bit better. In fact, nothing does. It’s fucking shit.

Love, to me, is a living, breathing paradox. How can something be that powerful and have the ability to make you feel like you’re on top of the world or that the world is on top of you? Sometimes I sit and think that love is real. It comes in all different forms. That it’s the best thing out there. How can love not be real when you see the way couples look at one another when they think no one is watching? Or the fact that elderly couple have been together for 60 years? How can it not be real when you feel spark, the butterflies and that crazy sexual attraction? And then I think but how can love be real? How can love be real when it ends in heartbreak? How can it be real when it leads to arguments, lying, cheating, breaking up? But then again, maybe that’s just the cynical bitch creeping out in me trying to protect her heart.

I’ve only ever been in two long term relationships. Gone on a handful of dates inbetween here and there but nothing too serious. The heartbreak of the first relationship hurt like hell but nothing compared to the second. Fuck. Is it normal to feel like your heart is quite literally being ripped out of your chest, thrown onto the ground and trampled all over? Some people might shy away from their feelings and how they truly feel about a situation but I’m an open book and sometimes honest to a fault. I have nothing to hide and quite frankly would rather be brutely honest than ever down play my feelings.

I decided to end my second relationship after months and months (and months) of being treated like shit. I lost count the amount of times I went back and forth even after being cheated on but it gets to the point when you can’t take anymore and enough is enough. It was scary at first. You spend such an immense amount of time with someone knowing every little thing about each other and then one day it’s all over. You’re strangers once more. Blocked numbers and Facebook pages never to be contacted again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, it’s just funny how things turn out.

Im not sat here slating my ex but once the relationship was over for good although it hurt I almost felt a relief. The weight that was on my shoulders has been getting lighter and lighter as time has gone on and I finally feel like I can truly be myself again. It might sound cliche but I felt lost before. I had lost my identity, who I was, what I stood for, what I liked and disliked, I was fucking miserable. It was all catered to please another person but now I can just be me. The loving-life, fiery, no-fucks-given Elle has returned and I fucking love it. I feel I’ve achieved so much already and I’ve honestly never been happier. I stopped myself from doing so much all during that relationship because I was scared of letting go and now I’m making up for lost time. 

I got rid of everyone else who was toxic in my life, I’m going out when I want, where I want, with who I want, I got my first tattoo (second pending - sorry not sorry if you’re reading this Dad), I’m wearing whatever the fuck I want, booked my first festival, set up my own business, I got a new job and major promotion amongst other things but most importantly I’m being unapologetically me. I’ve regained my lost confidence and self esteem and never have I since A) apologised for anything that didn’t need an apology and B) apologised for something that wasn’t my fucking fault in the first place.

I guess what I’m trying to get across here is that love is an incredible feeling and I don’t think you should ever shy away from it but when it’s the wrong kind of love and you have to change your behaviour and not be your true self, don’t stick around. Walk away. Straight away. It’s not worth the headache (or the heartbreak). I used to wish I walked away at the beginning (and quite frankly so do the girls) but then again, if I did that, I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today. I wouldn’t have learnt everything about love, life and myself that I have. I wouldn’t understand what I want from a person, from a relationship. I wouldn’t know my flaws and how to improve on them. I wouldn’t know what I can bring to the table and I wouldn’t know what I would never change nor give up for anyone. Love is either a blessing or a lesson but if you know how to pick yourself up, learn from the lesson by improving on yourself and move on with your life - then every lesson is also a blessing. And trust me when I say, when the time is right and you’re ready to date again (casual or serious - who cares), you’ll meet a guy who proves not all them are absolute assholes.

 Don’t ever let a relationship be the end of who you are as a person and don’t let heartbreak rule your life. Get up, get on with it, cry if you must but don’t ever ever let your happiness be in the hands of another person. 

Until next time...

Elle x