Saturday, 29 July 2017

No one is you and that is your power

I've hit that point in my life where it feels like everyone around me is doing something amazing with their life and achieving great things whilst I'm stuck in limbo. 

I have been feeling lost, if you will, for a rather long time. I have absolutely no clue what I want to be, what I want to do and where I want to go. Constantly opening, closing, refreshing social media apps and all I see is people graduating with first class honours, travelling the world, getting that job they've always dreamed of and here I am, no degree (by choice, I know), no travels and no amazing, highflying job. And the worst part? I can't muster the big, hairy balls to achieve the same.

I have this big, fiery burning desire in the pit of me wanting to drop everything and travel the world. I want to climb mountains. I want to sleep in caves. On the beach. In a hammock under the stars. I want to learn new languages. Cultures. Taste new delicacies. I want to dance. Sing. Feel free. Be free. I want to kiss on private islands. I want to love all over the world. I want to make friends. I want to take pictures. I want to dive deep into the ocean and film it for all to see. I want to work hard all day just to spend it all getting blackout drunk a few hours later. 

I have this big vision. A vision of me in the perfect dress. Perfect heels. Valentino's, yes please. Perfect bag placed perfectly upon my shoulder. Gucci, just for the record. Strutting into my office, abroad. CEO? Why not. I want to be a boss. A leader. A team player. I want to inspire. I want to motivate. I want to make money. Lots of it.

What's holding me back? Fear of failure. Fear in general. Just straight up fucking fear. Judgement. Losing people. The list goes on. In reality, I'm 21 and nothing right now is holding me back from achieving my dreams. Yet still I stay. Still I sit unhappy. Still I don't change careers. Why? The battle in my head, going back and forth over the positives, the negatives and everything in between. Overthinking is a killer. A big old shit storm that sticks around and never seems to leave. 

The problem is, I say I have no idea what I want to be or do and where I want to go yet I still listed two big dreams right there. In black and white. No thinking. Just typing what I feel. It's hard when you feel like this, not to lose your way. Not to lose your identity. Although I may know I want to be a well-travelled, blonde bombshell (you have to toot your own horn sometimes...) running her own company. I still don't know what that company will be. Or when I will achieve it. And the one thing I keep reminding myself is, "no one is you and that is your power". I may not have travelled the world yet. Or got that incredible job. But I will get there. I will get there in my own time. I will grow the big, hairy balls needed for this in my own time. I will push aside the overthinking, the fear, I will stop moaning and just fucking do it. 

Until next time...

Elle x

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